"By seeing London, I have seen as much of life as the world can shew." - Samuel Johnson
September 2007 was the first time I travelled to London without a return ticket. Indeed, I didn't even have a single - my Dad drove me from West Yorkshire to North London, with most of my life tucked away neatly in cardboard boxes in the boot. I remember clearly drinking lukewarm, overly strong tea in the Welcome Break at Watford Gap, still trying to convince myself that despite having never stayed in the capital for more than a night, I was relocating permanently to this ultra-city, this gigantic monument to urbanisation, commerce and tourism. I was convinced that all business in London was conducted by suited-and-booted charlatans who carried on like candidates in The Apprentice, in a cut-throat city that would envelop me in its shadowy folds and crush me to nothing.
I had two weeks from moving into my shared flat in Holloway before I started work, and so I sought to get my bearings as best I could. I remember performing a hilariously incompetent trial commute to The City, disembarking from the 271 at Finsbury Square and traipsing backwards and forwards across the Square Mile in desperate search for my new office, finding only endless sandwich shops and identi-kit glass offices with bored receptionists and shifty security staff clock-watching to stave off the immense boredom of guarding these corporate conglomerates. But I also remember enjoying immensely an inescapable sense of anonymity that I had never found anywhere else, a sense of being one person against the vastness of an unlimited but uncaring city. And perhaps it was an attempt to recapture that feeling that led me to walk from Waterloo to Charing Cross Road, via the South Bank, yesterday evening.
I timed my trek for early evening, yet again finding myself pushing against the flow of commuters hauling themselves down Victoria Road after ticking off another Wednesday workday. Leaving Waterloo and strolling to Jubilee Gardens, I experienced again that sense of forfeiting your identity. Already the space and the noise rendered my body insignificant, as crowds enjoying the late evening twilight sought to squeeze every last second from the attractions surrounding them. I fought my way beyond the London Eye and headed left, past the National Aquarium and the imposing facade of County Hall, and with every step I found myself distracted by the flash of cameras and smartphones solidifying the South Bank onto memory cards. As I began to cross Westminster Bridge, gaggles of giggling schoolchildren darted in zig-zags from tourist traps to overpriced Japanese restaurants, and their sighing parents handed over banknotes to the desperate tricksters inviting you to choose under which matchbox the coin was placed.
But passing over the bridge and heading down Parliament Street and Whitehall to Trafalgar Square, I reflected on, in reality, how little different I was from these clueless tourists convinced that all of London's glory lay at the feet of a mime or a magician. I may have paid my council tax to the Greater London Authority for nearly four years, but as I've barely worked here, I found myself in that chilled grey space between tourist and native. London is both familiar and utterly intelligible to me - I might be able to tell you where the best pizza is (here) or my favourite bar for a mojito (here), but for me, living here is like staring at a pitch-black sky with faint pinpricks of light that catch the eye. I need to turn those stars into constellations, those constellations into galaxies - if that's not a noble mission for these days of freedom stretched out before me, I don't know what is.
